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Dear Stupid Toothbrush Fan, As a member of the Official Stupid Toothbrush Fan Club, you are receiving your June and July 2000 copy of "Brushing Up", the official band newsletter. We are proud to say this is our eighth online issue. The publishers are billing this type of interaction as "the reluctant, semi-yearly coming together of fan and band." This newsletter contains updates, concert plans and info on the band and its flunkies. Also contained is a top 10 list that Swank magazine is calling the "feel-yourself-good story of the year."If you are not interested in receiving this newsletter, contact Joe Donatelli at The Booby Trap, 413 Red Light Way, Arlington, Va.
TOUR UPDATE It's summer, and that can only mean one thing: Stupid Toothbrush has been asked to stay away from every major touring extravaganza in the nation. Said Lollapalooza organizer Perry Ferrell, "After what they did in '92, dangling Ice Cube against his will above the stage in a cage full of incontinent penguins, we could not invite them to this year's tour. I hate them with a passion usually reserved for orphanage arsonists."Which is made all the more remarkable by the fact that Lollapalooza isn't even touring this year.Lillith Fair spokeswoman Melissa Etheridge also chimed in, saying, "Every day at sunrise, Matt and Joe light incense and exchange Dixie cups full of sperm in some sort of bizarre New Age ritual that is supposed to limit the number of paternity suits they're served that day. But you ask them to produce one cup of semen so that a loving couple can have a baby, and what do they do? They show up on my front porch at 3 a.m. with several dozen _ some overflowing _ milk cartons full of sperm. Disgusting." Responded Joe, "Our lost children were on the inside of the milk carton for a change." Shunned, Matt and Joe will wait out the summer for their chance to play the Lake County Fair in Northeast Ohio. Catch them on Thursday, August 17 at Tent B from 4:20 p.m. to 4:45, immediately following the Willowick Clarinet Jamboree.
OFF TO MARKET(ING) With plenty of spare time this summer, the band is refocusing its energy on marketing strategy. Among the proposals put forth by Matt, Joe and their consultants: _ Disaster Marketing. This is the proposal the band is most excited about. Explains Joe, "We need to increase our media exposure, and there is always plenty of media around national international tragedy." Matt continues, "You know when an airplane loses altitude and the oxygen masks drop from the overhead bin, well, we've worked out a deal with Aeroflot in which our CDs fall from the overhead bin instead. Instruction from the captain on what to do in case of an emergency are provided in song by us, live, provided the tower can contact us in time. How many bands would do that for their fans? Probably only Jefferson Airplane." _ Supermarketing. This is the strategy whereby the band would play supermarkets and delis. "I like delis," said Matt, walking out of a downtown Naples, Italy deli and into another, where he promptly asked the owner if he knew of any other nearby delis. _ Outdoor Pools and Ice Cream parlors. "During the winter months, we're sure to headline these kind of venues," said Matt. "No more marquee one-upsmanship by the 'Learn CPR and Save a Life' guy." _ Personal Concerts. "We'll come to your house and play just for you," says Joe. "No friends or anything allowed, just you. And you _ the crowd _ better rock hard and bring the noise or we will trash your house."
ANTHRAX (Not the band) After minutes of research and pondering, guitarist Matthew Zorich is forcing all members of his band to receive the highly controversial anthrax vaccine which is already being distributed in the US armed forces. "We face the possibility for acquiring the deadly anthrax virus from two sources. First, we tour frequently in Third world. Those countries hate us, mostly due to our campaigning to increase Third World debt. These are places where anthrax is cheap to make. Second _ and this is the more likely source _ is because of all the interaction we have with farm animals on a daily basis on stage and off," Zorich screamed at a Brushing Up reporter after trying to avoid Zorich at a deli. Stupid Toothbrush manager/call girl coordinator Jeffery Loog Yoders reacted to Zorich comments, "I see his point. This next tour, beginning in India has a huge production number with a herd of cattle on stage. If one of those guys died due to my negligence or got bit by a cow I'd be in a lot of trouble. Although, if one of them died it would immortalize the band ... I'll get back to you on this one." Drummer Tom Donatelli doesn't see what the problem with the vaccine is and wants a "mega-dose" when the shots come around. "In case the other guys forgot, we've had anthrax sprayed on us at every show we've played in the Southern Hemisphere, often from the crowed. Plus I will never, ever refuse a free injection into my veins for any reason. They don't call me 'Uncle Junk' for nothing. Besides, this new anthrax vaccine could be the best high known to man." New bass player Kevin Adams had second thoughts about being in the band after hearing the news, "Farm animals? Third World tours? Zorich is getting nuts. He makes me call him 'sir' and calls me every morning at 4 a.m. for reveille to scrub his head. I didn't sign on for all this. I wonder if Ray Stevens is hiring." Zorich intends to stab each member in the eye with a 10-inch needle while they sleep to ensure that no one in the band refuse the vaccine. "It's more safe and effective that way," Zorich added. Lead singer Joe Donatelli plans to refuse the vaccine. "I want to take in everything this whole big beautiful world has to offer. If sprayed with anthrax I plan to take a really deep breath. It could be the best high known to man."
FAN MAIL Dear Editor, I was recently in Naples, Italy buying pornography when I saw Matt. What was he doing there? Are you guys getting together anytime soon? Is he always a grandma-phile when it comes to porn? _M. Smoose, DeKalb, Ill. Matt often enjoys the pictorial company of mature women. Joe is the freak. The self-described "techno-phile" keeps a stack of Personal Computing magazines three feet high in his bathroom. The band has no immediate plans to get together, though Joe may be in Italy next year to contest several dozen paternal suits and could visit Matt at that time. _ Ed. Dear Editor, Did I see roadie Danny Donatelli make the first-team All Plain Dealer for high school baseball? How come he told the reporter he was going to the "University of Stupid Toothbrush" where he'd study the "Fellatio Ratio of Sexual Intellectuals"? Was this the blatant grab for media attention it appeared to be? _ Mom The University of Stupid Toothbrush Fighting Amish has a fine tradition in the field of ... yes, Mom. _ Ed.
TOP 10 LIST Speaking of marketing, here are the top 10 worst STB concert promotions of all time: 10. Sleep With A Band Member Night _ May, 1999 (Brian Adams, sadly, won.) 9. Kick The Security Staff In The Shins Night _ April, 1981 8. Dress Like Your Favorite President Johnson Night _ February 1965 7. Gonorrhea Gone Tomorrow Night _ June 1976 6. Live At The Apollo, A Night of Line Dancing to Old Negro Spirituals _ August 1979 5. A Celebration of Cleveland Indians Shortstops 1963-1989 _ December, 1971 4. Drunk-Dial Your Ex-Girlfriend Night _ October 1996 (The band was arrested after the show for breaking several hundred federal telecommunications laws.) 3. Dirty Dancing, Dirtier Pants Night _ November, 1988 2. Let's Help Matt Swab the Poop Deck Before He Leaves for the Navy Night _ May 25, 1998 1. Fine Matt, Just Leave For the Navy, I Have Already Replaced You With a Chimp Named Harry, You Bastard, Night _ May 26, 1998 _ Joe Donatelli.