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Dear Stupid Toothbrush Fan, As a member of the Official Stupid Toothbrush Fan Club, you are receiving your February, March, April and May 2000 copy of "Brushing Up", the official band newsletter. (Sorry for the delay between issues, but Joe has been in the poky for the last few months; see MATT'S FIRST WEDDING). We are proud to say this is our seventh online issue. The publishers are billing this type of fan interaction as "less beautiful than the love between a man and a woman, but much more beautiful than the love between Joe and a Hoover suction attachment." This newsletter contains updates, concert plans and info on the band and its flunkies. Also contained is a top 10 list that caused David Letterman to utter the following earlier this year, "Dear God, I think I'm having a heart atta..." If you are not interested in receiving this newsletter, contact Tommy Donatelli at The Junction, Court Street, Athens, Ohio 45701.
MATT'S FIRST WEDDING: All the eligible bachelors in the band please take one step forward. Not so fast Matthew Aaron Zorich! On March 25, Stupid Toothbrush lead guitarist Matt Zorich was betrothed to one Maricela Guzman on a beautiful, sunny day in Los Angeles. Best man Joe Donatelli said he couldn't be happier for the two, promised he would not make Maricela "our Yoko" and called off his threats to sabotage the wedding reception.The ceremony was gorgeous, with the whole band on hand to witness. Matt and his stunning wife were the hit of the reception. Joe played guitar underwater. Then a cold rain fell and LeDonne and Tommy jumped under a table while Yoders was pushed into the cake."Do you need some time ... on your own? Do you need some time ... all alone?" Matt cried out. Once the weather cleared, the crowd urged the band to get onstage. Joe took the mic and before Matt could stop him Joe began belting out STB's only love ballad, "She's 14, But it's All Right." At that point Maricela jumped onstage and began pounding Joe in the chest while screaming, "You're ruining the most important day of my life." But Joe knew that deep down she was very happy. Even when he felt the cuffs go on. The happy couple is honeymooning in Naples, Italy, for two years courtesy of the Unites States Navy. Joe, meanwhile, served a one-month stint in Los Angeles County Jail, courtesy of the California taxpayers.
MAJOR NEWS: STB HIRES NEW BASS PLAYER At 3 a.m. on Saturday, Jan. 14, a teleconference call between Matt and Joe concerning the search for the band's new bass player was interrupted when Joe received the following, an urgent e-mail from Miami of Ohio undergrad Kevin Adams,brother of Brian Adams, the band's Third World Events Coordinator Among Other Things. With a few minor grammatical editing changes, this is what Kevin's e-mail said: "As a member of Stupid Toothbrush's fan club and official one-arm replica of Def Leopard's drummer, I think the big break you guys are looking for (i.e. signing with Stigmata records) is to sign me on as your new bass player. The factthat I really can't play the bass guitar is undermined by the fact that I, in fact, have one arm, which will no doubtinspire not only made-for-TV movies, but VH1 Behind the Music specials that will 'put the band on the map' so to speak. Not only in the Midwest but in hard-to-reach markets such as Spartansburg, South Carolina and Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Plus, I like to drink, and once had a restraining order against myself called about by a freshman at Miami because I thought she was 'cute' (according to authorities nothing was ever proved, nor were official charges pressed). My actual music experience is, of course, minimal, but I can proudly rap the entire version of A Tribe Called Quest's 1990 hit 'Scenario' while watching porn and quoting Jenna's lines. This may not seem like the typical resume 'answers'you may be looking for, but I never have been a 'typical' bass player. I can offer recommendations upon request, contingent upon the cooperation of certain parole officers. I look forward to hearing from you. Till then, I have 243 hours worth of pornography to occupy my time. Sonically yours, Kevin Adams P.S. As nepotism is rumored to run rampant in STB, my brother happens to be Brian Adams. Not the OU graduate but the Canadian singer famous for "Everything I do. . ." It didn't take long to figure out the band had its man. After Joe read the letter to Matt over the phone, the band finally found something it could agree on for the first time since they both concluded their 1997 smash hit "You Can't Evict Me From a Buick" should end with a car horn honking. Joe: I say he's in. First of all, he's overqualified in that he WANTS to be in the band. Second, he seems to know what a bass is and now we can do a cover of "Scenario." Third, we've never had a bass player lose a limb BEFORE joining the band. Matt: OK. He's in. Should we pay him?
FAN MAIL Dear Editor/Publisher, I'm not sure what the hell's been going on that the latest edition of Brushing Up has not been put up on the band's "Official" Web site or been sent out to the loyal fans. If you're struggling for creative ideas here are a few suggestions: _ LeDonne turns up missing. Ends up he just slept on the other couch in the Donatelli's basement. _ In the wake of David Crosby fathering Melissa Ethridge's children, Matt fathers Cindy Lauper's first three kids. _ A Zorich wedding fiasco in Tiujuana _ Regis Philbin's new game show: "Who wants to marry a washed up rock n' roller from Mayfield Heights, Ohio?" Feel free to pimp on any of these ideas or feel free to contact me as I now have plenty of time on my hands. Sincerely, Sen. John "Smoose" McCain STB Fan #1967
TOP 10 LIST In the spirit of weddings and springtime and romance here are The Top 10 pickup lines used by Stupid Toothbrush and its flunkies: 10. Tommy: I noticed you have breasts. I admire that on a woman. 9. Danny: I can remove my underwear without taking off my pants. In my mind. 8. Holly: Tommy, all women have breasts. Oh, all right. 7. Smoose: Eric Stratton, rush chairman, damn glad to meet you. 6. Dugas: There isn't anybody's ass in this bar I wouldn't kick _ including yours _ to be with you tonight, baby. 5. Kevin: Yeah I go to Miami University, but that doesn't mean I don't like girls. 4. Brian Adams: I've had my eye on you since the day I made you the youngest intern in the history of the magazine industry … 3. Yoders: Baby, you've had more to drink than any woman I've ever met, and I'm not just saying that. 2. The Zoriches _ Matt: Ever let a sailor swab your poop deck? Maricela: How much time do you spend south of the equator, sailor? 1. Joe: So, babe, how much for the whole half hour? Ahh, who am I kidding? How much for one-minute and 37 seconds? _ Compiled by publisher/rock star/60-second man Joe Donatelli.