Dear Stupid Toothbrush Fan,
As a member of the Official Stupid Toothbrush Fan Club, you are
receiving your January 2000 copy of "Brushing Up", the official band
newsletter. We are proud to say this is our sixth online issue. The
publishers are billing this type of fan interaction as "a Pokemon-type
craze without all the kids and toys and the movies and TV shows and all
that stuff." This newsletter contains updates, concert plans and info on
the band and its flunkies. Also contained is a millennium top 10 list
that presidential candidate Albert Gore calls "the durndest thing I've
ever heard." If you are not interested in receiving this newsletter,
contact Tommy Donatelli at The Legitimate Businessman's Social Club,
2345 Mayfield Road, Cleveland, Ohio 41243 ...
Our readership has grown by one member this month. Welcome, Nick
Delguyd. Nick is a Mayfield alum, OU freshman and member of the Bobcat
football team. He earned a scholarship to OU by promising to clean up
all the territorial "markings" Matt and Joe left around campus.
STB MILLENNIUM SHOW A BIG HIT SAY INMATES: To support the
release of their upcoming album "Trigger Happy Pappy," Stupid Toothbrush
is trying to build a new fan base. That's why the inmates at the
Stillwater, Oklahoma State Penitentiary First Annual Prisoner Mixer got
an earful from the most well-tuned band of all time as they welcomed the
new millennium with Stupid Toothbrush. West Coast Promotions man Jeffrey
Loog Yoders booked the band at the prison in order to show the band's
diversity and to get them focused "on the next thousand years."
"It would kill two birds with one stone," he said. "It would
give the band a new audience and scare the guys strait for a decade or
two."
It was a new event for the prison as well. They bussed in female
prisoners for the first ever prison mixer.
Tickets were a hot item at the prison. The price ($425 a
pop) was not dropped for the occasion despite the extremely low wages
that prisoners receive. Reports are that fans were very desperate for
tickets.
Some guy had a sign that said, "I will mutilate farm animals and
wipe the blood on you for Stupid Toothbrush tickets."
"He'd probably do that anyway so we didn't give him the
tickets," Yoders said. Management had to accept cigarettes and
"protection" in exchange for money.
The band arrived the night before and was lucky enough to spend
a whole 24 hours at the prison. All the cells were taken so the boys had
to spend the night in solitary confinement. "We didn't sleep,"
commented lead singer Joe Donatelli. "We took turns standing watch to
make sure nothing happened to each other. Tom was missing for five
hours, but showed up half-naked and drenched in sweat just before dawn."
All the next day the band was shaking hands, and signing
autographs. The band even received a personalized license plate that
said "STB ROX."
Each band member also received a set of prison blue dungarees.
Upon receiving his, guitarist Matt Zorich was upset because he already
had five pairs of dungarees given to him by the U.S. Navy. After a sissy
crying fit Zorich got a pair of orange coveralls instead. A touching
moment occurred when band hair stylist Joe Polo was reunited with his
entire family.
Roadie Irving Headland was busy all day in the courtyard
setting up for the show. "We are really lucky we didn't have to bring
our own spotlights, guard towers, and rifles to this gig. That really
helped me out. My back thanks this prison."
The first 300 inmates into the court yard received
commemorative Stupid Toothbrush metal files, wire cutters and shanks.
But what at first was going to be a long show largely consisting of
cover tunes (including such songs as "If you Love Somebody Set Them
Free", "Free Falling", "Feedom '90", and "Free Bird") didn't even get
past started.
"Tom had a complaint that the entrance of the band wasn't big
enough. He was right. We needed something more to showcase the band
since we being broadcast live to the Governor's house and thousands of
elementary schools across the country," Yoders said. "So Tom wanted the
band to pull up to the front gates in big rig semi trucks, one for each
member of the band, and have the band run a quarter of a mile to the
stage from the front gate.
"What happened next made history. The front gates were opened
and every prisoner at the Stillwater, Oklahoma State Penitentiary
received an 'unofficial pardon.' The band was a liberating experience on
the fans. That's a good thing."
What Yoders really meant was all the prisoners ran out the front
gates that were left wide open by the band. They hopped into the trucks
which hauled the band's bazookas, rocking chairs and ice cream cones and
took off.
Not appearing disappointed the crowd had left, the band
played to about 200 lucky but dumbfounded security guards. "The
prisoners missed out because this was Stupid Toothbrush at it's finest,"
Yoders beamed.
The band was donned in the blue dungarees given to them by the
prison. Their sound was tight and rarely had to start over. As soon as
the show was finished the band was escorted off the stage and into
individual cells. After the show Joe commented, "The joke is on them.
Now we have the whole place to ourselves."
NEW FEATURE _ LETTERS:
Dear Publisher,
Love the newsletter. First-time writer, long-time reader. It has
been brought to my attention by some of the more fanatic Stupid
Toothbrush fans in the backwoods of Meigs County that many of the fans
do not know how the band came up with its name. Could you please shed
some light on these people, but not too much, you don't want to spoil
the moonshine.
_ STB Fan NO. 009,
Jerry Ippoliti
"Stupid Toothbrush" is actually ancient Iroquis Indian for "Man
Who Stuffs Salami In Pants And Fibs Often About Number of Woman He Lie
Down With." -- Ed.
Dear Publisher,
I have a suggestion for your new bass player. Pick a woman. I'm
really horny. I bet Tom's really horny. Don't you feel really horny,
Joey! Wow. sorry. Got a little carried away there. I've got to stop
watching Playboy all the time. Stay cool.
_Your friend, Union Kingpin, hair stylist and food taster,
Polo
It's a little known fact that STB did have a female band member
for a while. Holly Simpson played the bass tambourine on the band's Tour
of Destruction from 1989-92. She quit the band when they voted to "go
topless" in India.
"There are so many misconceptions about that," said Joe.
"Everyone thought that 'go topless' meant we'd all play with our shirts
off. That was not the case. That vote was just meant for Holly." -- Ed.
Dear Publisher,
STB rules. I especially like that kick-ass hair stylist Polo. I
hear you're looking for a new bass player. I really hope you make it a
hot woman. Is there any truth to the rumor that Jennifer Love Hewitt is
sleeping with Polo? I hope so. I REALLY HOPE SO! And what about the
rumor that Irving beat Tommy half to death with a rubber chicken? Well,
good luck with your next album.
_ Sheep Rule,
Ken Griffey Jr. (not Polo)
The rumors of Jennifer Love Hewitt sleeping with Joe Polo are
not not untrue. Therefore we must both confirm and deny this allegation,
which is mostly true except for the false parts. _ Ed.
And finally, this month's first Top 10 List:
The Top 10 Political Parties and Lobbies that Stupid Toothbrush
Makes Large Financial Contributions To:
10. The Supreme Super Power Committee in Charge of Eradicating
All Committees (based in the Committee Room of the Committee Building
over on Committee Street)
9. The Whigs
8. The Anti-Shirt Council
7. The Republican Former Football Player Caucus
6. Joe's St. Francis of Assisi 7th Grade Campaign: "Pummel
Paulin '88"
5. The Swarm of Dykes
4. The Marion Berry party of 6, back room please
3. The Guns, Butter, Swords and Plowshares Party
2. The Anti-Federalist Party
1. The 40 Pornos and a Mule Party
That's all for this month. Ladies, if you'd like to meet the
band, they will be appearing at a mall near you all January. To be sure
you get their attention, don't wear a shirt. _ Joe Donatelli, paid for
by the Anti-Shirt Council
