Dear Stupid Toothbrush Fan,
As a member of the Official Stupid Toothbrush Fan Club, you are
receiving your October/November copy of "Brushing Up", the official band
newsletter. We are proud to say this is our fifth online issue. The
publishers are billing this type of fan interaction as the easiest way
to get in touch with Matt and Joe without speaking to their lawyers or
"pharmacist." This newsletter contains updates, concert plans and info
on the band and its flunkies. Also contained is a millennium top 10 list
that Gene Siskel has given permanent thumbs up. If you are not
interested in receiving this newsletter, contact Tommy Donatelli at The
Manically Depressed Horse Saloon, Cleveland, Ohio 41243 ...
Our readership has grown by one member this month. Welcome, Joe
Polo. The longtime Friend of The Donatelli Cosa Nostra is the band's
hair-dresser. Said Polo, "I like to trim Joe real short in the middle
and back, giving him the appearance of baldness. Matt's hair I let roam
free not unlike a pack of dingoes in a children's nursery."
NEWS: Just in time for Christmas, a wave of media and products
covering Stupid Toothbrush will be hitting the stores as the band
prepares to launch its 38th album, "Trigger Happy Pappy." Look for cover
stories, exposes and police reports all to be released in the following
weeks as anticipation builds for the band's first album in two years.
First to hit the stands is a book tentatively entitled "Plaque
Attack." The book is expected to get a negative review from the band and
its loyal fans because it focuses on STB's problems. Not so much the
drug, alcohol, prostitution, tax evasion and bestiality charges that
have followed the band, but more on the unfavorable events surrounding
Stupid Toothbrush's tours.
The book begins with the ill-fated Stupid Toothbrush/Metallica
tour in 1994. STB was riding high that summer with their LP "Tartar
Control" and a radio top ten hit off a cover of Buckwheat's 1982 song
"Wookin' Pa Nub". However, disaster soon struck as the band was walking
onstage to perform at the first show, when a rowdy Metallica fan hit
lead singer Joe Donatelli between the eyes with a well-thrown brick. The
blow rendered Joe unconscious for 84 days, exactly the same length as
the tour.
Ironically, Donatelli would wake from his coma shouting, "Let's
rock!" only to learn Metallica had played the last song of the last show
just 97 seconds earlier. Metallica was able to scare up second-rate
bands to open such as Pearl Jam, U2, a Paul McCartney, George Harrison
and Ringo Starr reunion, Snoop Doggy Dogg, and a fledgling band called
Girl Crazee (later renamed the Backstreet Boys). However, industry
insiders agree that Stupid Toothbrush had done enough damage.
The book will also explore Joe's fascination with Matt's teddy
bear, and how the disappearance of said bear led to the cancellation of
the band playing Woodstock '94, something they have never explained.
Jeffrey Loog Yoders, Stupid Toothbrush West Coast Promotions Man and
Sometimes Attorney, gave a hint as to why STB never played Woodstock in
a January, 1995 interview with SPIN magazine in which he said, "To find
out why we never played Woodstock, you must first answer this riddle:
How is a raven like a writing desk?"
No one has been able to answer that. Look for "Plaque Attack" to
hit stores in December....
Also highly anticipated is the Mayfield Heights Police
Department upcoming CD, "911 Calls Blamed on Stupid Toothbrush." This
live album contains actual calls made to 911 between 1987-99. The first
single, a Beatlesesque "Help (Matt and Joe are in my front yard and
won't leave)" was released on October 10 and received favorable reviews
by the Highland Heights Police Department ("They really caught the
essence of a real STB call, lama noises and all," said Lt. Roger Mills.)
The video even reached No. 3 on MTV's Total Request Live, or TRL.
The next single, "I Think a Member of Stupid Toothbrush is
Drowning In My Swimming Pool, Please Hurry." will be released Friday,
Nov. 26.
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: Last week Brushing Up caught up with Miguel
Crespo, the band's pharmacist/bus driver in the parking lot behind
Scores sports bar in South Euclid, Ohio.
BU: Miguel, I'm glad you could find time to talk to us.
Miguel Crespo: Yeah, baby what you need?
BU: Just an interview.
MC: Okay. The first one is always free.
BU: You've been with Stupid Toothbrush a long time haven't you?
MC: Yep. I've got the skinny on all the boys in the band. I
know what they need, I know what their allergies are and know that if
that bastard Tom like his fingers he'll pay me.
BU: What do you normally prescribe to the members of the band.
MC: Tom's prescriptions are quite simple. He's a Clydesdale
waiting to stud. Most of the time it's a distraction from the band. A
little R&R suits him just fine. I'm talking about Ridlin and Roofies.
The Ridlin keeps him focused long enough on one woman at a time. The
Roofies are for her.
BU: What about Joe and Matt?
MC: I have to stick with the neurotransmitters for these guys.
You don't want two cranky, chemically unbalanced guys up on stage
running a dust bowl juggernaut like Stupid Toothbrush. Joe is on a
steady diet of L-dopa, thalidomide and melitonin suppositories. It calms
him down, I guess. Only I know what amount to give him so he doesn't OD.
I have to give all drugs to him personally.
Matt is strait seritonin. It helps him flip over cars and makes
him aggressive. We use both to our advantage. It comes in handy when we
need an extra parking spot for the tour bus. The aggressive tendencies
helps him heard the midgets back into their cages when they get loose on
the bus.
BU: Any other drugs?
MC: Scrips, man, they scrips. These guys are on experimental
scrips. They are immune to a lot of stuff. Especially antidepressants.
Lithium doesn't cut it anymore. We've tried different elements on them.
These guys are all over the periodic table. I'm getting worried. Joe is
building up a tolerance to cadmium. Matt's now immune to a lot of the
actinides. Those radioactive elements down there at the very bottom are
our only hope. Some of them can only be produced in space for
millisecond. Matt wants to get on the next shuttle flight. Joe and
Matt's woman are all for it.
BU: It seems like hard work keeping up with them. Does it ever
get to you?
MC: I don't get angry. I don't blame them ... you'd be pretty
depressed too if you've only sold 14 albums in the last ten years. These
guys are terrible. The only funk they're produced in is the one I bring
them out of.
BU: Do you have any influence on the band.
MC: Hell, yes. You could say that I keep them "under the
influence." (Laughs). You could day I keep them flying high. In fact,
you could say that I sell them drugs, and that I am a drug dealer.
The album title "PCPeople" was because of me, I'm sure. But my
primary job is to keep them doped up enough to keep them mildly subdued,
you know, so they don't hurt people.
BU: So what happened at the Tucson show last month?
MC: There's an exception. I was trying something different with
them. It was a strange mix I got from a buddy of mine who is a chemist
in the Defense Department. It was a cocktail that made them
uncontrollably aggressive. I think they used this stuff for Navy Seals
or something.
Anyway, it worked. (See Brushing Up #4). They put on a great
show, and my buddy used the results of the show in order to show his
drugs worked so he could keep his research grant.
BU: What did you sell Joe that night he was found passed out in
a biohazard dumpster.
MC: Nothing he didn't want.
SPECIAL SECOND INTERVIEW _ EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: With Michael
Jordan, famous Stupid Toothbrush fan. Considered by many to be the
greatest basketball player to put on a uniform, a lesser known fact
about MJ is that he is a huge Stupid Toothbrush fan.
Jordan retired from the Chicago Bulls in February of this year
after winning his team six world championships. He now spends his days
on the links. Brushing Up caught up with Jordan after a celebrity golf
tournament in Las Vegas.
BU: Michael, when did you first start getting into Stupid
Toothbrush?
JORDAN: Excuse me?
BU: You've been seen at several of their shows. Do you try to
follow the band around as much as possible?
JORDAN: What the heck are you talking about? Who are you?
BU: What are your expectations for the forthcoming album,
"Trigger Happy Pappy?"
JORDAN: What? What is that? Trigger Pappy?
BU: Aren't you at all concerned about rumors the band is
breaking up?
JORDAN: I'm sorry, I have no idea what you mean. I think this is
the wrong interview. Security. Security, over here.
BU: Michael, what is your favorite Stupid Toothbrush song?
SECURITY GUARD: Excuse me, sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to
leave.
BU: Michael, Michael the public has a right to know these
things.
SECURITY GUARD: Over here, sir.
THIS AND THAT: Coincidence? ... On January 10, 1991, STB played
a standing room-only crowd of 700 at the Gentleman's Turban-Less Dance
Club Kuwaiti branch. Up to 590 security guards and 69 road crew members
watched along with a few locals as the band performed for the only time
such songs like "Saddam and Gommorha", "Iraq and Roll" and "People of
Kuwait, If You Don't Buy Stupid Toothbrush Records Something Horrible
Will Happen to Your Country Tomorrow." The following day the Iraqi Army
invaded the peaceful country, minutes after Stupid Toothbrush departed
for a gig in North Korea....
Rumor Control ...We've been getting a lot of letters from fans
wanting to know if STB will be playing a "Millennium" show. Will there
be a show? Where is it? How much are tickets? Will the Millennium Baby
be Matt's or Joe's? Well, unfortunately, Matt, Joe and Tom were all for
it, until the U.S. Government put a stop to the plans. The official
government word is that such a show "may exacerbate Y2K hysteria", which
caused STB to cancel the planned show, titled, "Exacerbating Y2K
Hysteria." However, not to worry, die-hard fans. The band is still
planning a "secret" show. The only hints we can give is that tickets
will be mailed out via two day priority mail to fan club members on
Dec.31, and be prepared to get yer ya-ya's out in Joe's shower....
Interns Needed ...Would you like to work for Stupid Toothbrush?
We are looking for hard-working young women for our promotions office,
road crew, record company and drunken goat pen who want to meet the
demands of the workforce. Applicants are required to wear at minimum one
piece of leather to interview. Must be able to engage in tantric sex and
easily fall under hypnosis. Irish and males need not apply.
Did You Know ... Stupid Toothbrush is the official band of the
Federal Bureau of Investigations' Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms
division? The FBI even blasted STB music when trying to "annoy" Branch
Davidians into coming out of their compound in Waco, Texas in April
1993. Stupid Toothbrush members are expected to testify before Congress
in a few weeks during the Congressional panel into the Waco incident, in
an attempt to clear their name. STB is often considered the reason the
Branch Davidians decided to set themselves on fire rather than
peacefully give in.
NEW FEATURE!!! _ LETTERS:
Dear Publisher,
As a loyal STB follower since the days when they first started
out by playing at the Sonic in Nelsonville, Ohio and as the occasional
opening act for Milli Vanilli at the Red Fox in Mansfield, why are the
issues of Brushing Up monthly and not weekly like the N'Sync, 98 Degrees
and Tone Loc newsletters?
Like the other two devout STB fans, I want read more about my
fourth-favorite band and their encounters as they travel across the
globe if not Hamilton County. If you could tell me if there are any STB
Web sites, newsgroups or AA meetings I could visit to fill my daily fill
of STB, I would greatly appreciate it and so would my five illegitimate
children and their five different mothers.
Sincerely,
Gabby "Smoose" Johnson
Gabby, check out STB's official Web site, at:
http://members.xoom.com/SToothbrush/Stupid.html. Tommy had time to
assemble it in the hospital with a broken toe suffered from the time I
punched Matt in the nose at that orgy. _ Joe.
NEW FEATURE _ WE WANT YOU . . . TO BE OUR BASS PLAYER: E-mail
the publisher and in 100 words or less tell why you should be Stupid
Toothbrush's next bass player. A winner will be picked in the next issue
and all entries will be posted in the new BU.
TOP TEN _ And now, the fifth official installment of the Stupid
Toothbrush Millennium Top 10 Lists. These are the lists compiled by the
band so the fans can get a little insight into what Matt and Joe are all
about.
TOP 10 LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT MATT AND JOE'S HIGH SCHOOL DAYS
TOGETHER AT MAYFIELD HIGH
10. Matt ran cross country. Joe played football. Matt was
obviously gay.
9. Joe patted other guys wearing tights on the ass on Friday
nights. Matt ran away from guys in short shorts. Joe was obviously gay.
8. Matt and Joe once asked the same girl to prom. Mrs. Zorich
declined, so the boys took thousand-dollar-a-night hookers instead.
7. Matt had the lead in the school play, "The Erotic Adventures
of Shop Teacher Jenkins." Joe played band saw operator number 4.
12. Joe failed math twice.
6. Joe was once sent to the principal's office for "opening his
locker without using his hands, if you know what I mean."
5. Matt was hiding inside the locker.
4. Tom _ Joe's younger brother _ often stuffed himself inside
garbage cans to save Joe the trouble. With all this free time, Joe
perfected his locker opening technique, which he would later use to open
car doors, flip manhole covers and dial a rotary phone to call people
and brag about his exploits.
3. Joe's youngest brother Dan, aka Irving Headland, joined the
debate team and after winning the school championship proudly
proclaimed, "I'm the master-debater." Joe was never more proud.
2. Matt's parents often attended parent-teacher night as "The
Jaffes," ashamed to admit Matt was their son. Matt was so embarrassed he
hid in Joe's locker . . .
1. Joe had the school's only see-through locker.
That's all for this month. Special thanks to Brian Adams and
Zorich, who wrote much of this issue and thanks to Smoose for the
letter. If you have an item for Brushing Up, be sure and send it to Joe
at this e-mail address.
To keep up to date on Stupid Toothbrush happenings, visit your
local courthouse and request to all recent information on Joe and Matt
by invoking the state's "Sunshine Laws." _ Joe Donatelli, publisher
