Dear Stupid Toothbrush Fan,
As a member of the official Stupid Toothbrush Fan Club, you are
receiving your September/October copy of "Brushing Up", the official
band newsletter. We are proud to say this is our fourth on-line issue.
The publisher is billing this type of fan interaction as "the closest
you can get to cybersmut without getting Gramma a little stinky in the
dinky." This newsletter contains updates, concert plans and info on
the band and its flunkies. Also contained is a millennium top 10 list
that the conservative Heritage Foundation says, "places Satan upon
such an elevated pedestal that only Matt and Joe, floating high off
the ground from the illegal drugs they use can see him up there." If
you are not interested in receiving this newsletter, contact Tommy
Donatelli at 38 "I Can Fall Out of Bed and Go To the Bars" Lane,
Athens, Ohio 45701 ...
Our readership has grown by one member this month. Welcome,
Nancy. Didn't know Stupid Toothbrush was still out there did you?
Well, neither does anyone else. Hopefully, with Matt's newfound access
to global Navy communications equipment we can change all that very
soon.
NEWS: Not much on the news front since Matt, Joe and Tom have
been laying low. Here's why:
TUCSON, Ariz. (AP) _ The air conditioning was just right in the
lobby of the Tucson Hilton Ball Room where the American Association
for Retired People were having their annual convention. It was a
double act featuring a senior Miss Tropicana pageant and rock veterans
Stupid Toothbrush.
The stage was all set up for the band to come on when keynote
speaker Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-S.C.) was finished. The doors were
locked from the outside, as is the rule at all STB concerts. An
ear-shattering howl (measuring 3,000 db _ a new world record) came
from one of the amplifiers.
Lead guitarist Matthew Zorich was onstage hidden by a cloud of
smoke from a dry ice machine. A group of the younger elderly women
rushed to the stage in excitement. A group of older elderly women
collapsed in shock. Zorich continued his guitar solo for three minutes
before drummer Tom ran onto the stage and began the steady rhythm on
his snare drum and high hat.
The two jammed together for another five minutes. The
song was indiscernible, disguised in normal Stupid Toothbrush fashion.
Lead singer/and occasional bass player Joe stumbled on to the stage to
a barrage of girdles and depends. The outspoken rockers busted into
"Vulva in my Volvo" _ a track deep in their 1996 release Swimmin' in
Women/Sexual Intellectual "double team" album.
So enticed by Joe's gyrating pelvis and tremors onstage
from the first song alone, four women took their tops off, unhooked
their bras and threw them on stage. Joe was too deep into the lyrics
to notice, but Matt, upon witnessing this event, threw up all over his
amplifier.
The song stopped because Zorich's vomit shot out of one of the
speakers. He pulled his guitar aside and finished the last bits of
regurgitation.
The crowd muttered. Joe and Tom both stopped and stared at Matt.
Matt, forgetting the microphone was on, pointed at the ladies with
their tops off and said, "We've played plenty of old age and nursing
homes. And I don't care who you are, you never get used to the sight
of that."
Perplexed as to whether that was meant to insult or not the
crowd grew angry. They slowly rushed the stage.
Yet Stupid Toothbrush continued its set hitting heavy on
its 1994 release Tarter Control and their 1997 EP Aerola Borealis.
They also mixed in three new songs from their forthcoming album
Trigger Happy Pappy. After urinating all over the audience, they
decided it was time to take a bathroom break.
The second set is when things turned sour.
An obviously doped up Joe decided to stage dive into a crowd of
senior citizens seated in wheel chairs. Later reports counted six
injured and four missing.
Zorich _ angered by the crowd's treatment of his band mate _
jumped off the stage and just started punching people. Tom took this
opportunity for a drum solo completely oblivious to the carnage. The
event ended with riot police beating Tom into a mash of pink goo
inside the drum cage.
After the show when organizers said STB would never be
back, Joe responded, "You'll all be dead in a few years, and then
what? We'll be back. That is if the Alzheimer's doesn't get you first.
We could be back even sooner."
Said Matt, "Old people are wrinkly."
EXCLUSIVE PUBLIC INTERVIEW: The following was excerpted from the
latest Rolling Stone. After STB's big summer show in Lake County,
Ohio. Matt, Joe, Tom and their publicist Jeff were sitting in front of
a "Bush 2000" banner drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon beer when a pack of
apparently lost and confused political reporters entered the tent and
started asking questions.
Joe: We are here to announce that we are going on tour to
support our new album "Trigger Happy Pappy" while we are still
recording it. We have no release date yet.
Reporter#1: Who are you? Why are you here?
Jeff: Uh, we just wanted to take an opportunity to clear some
things up. Rumors of the band breaking up have increased by 13% in US
News and World Report alone. Newsweek magazine has our conventional
wisdom arrow pointing somewhere down to the right. Cosmo carries no
more Stupid Toothbrush assault quizzes. Highlights magazines no longer
depicts criminals in their cartoons that look like Joe and Matt.
Public service announcements have decreased warning parents and
children about possible side effect from listening to their albums.
Such speculation as this has sent the stock market soaring. People
think that if Stupid Toothbrush breaks up it will make the world safe.
With the current rash of school shootings Stupid Toothbrush isn't
public enemy number one anymore. A current Gallup pole shows us down
to public enemy number three. People aren't too conscience of Stupid
Toothbrush anymore. We'll I'm here to say Stupid Toothbrush is not
breaking-up. In fact they are breaking in. Yes. Yes! _ breaking in new
fans. I like that. With a new line of tampons and maxipads.
Reporter#2: Is this some sort of sick joke?
Tom: I'll answer that one. (Covers his microphone, looks over
at Jeff who shakes his head). No.
Reporter#1: You said new line of tampons. This implies there was
an old line of tampons.
Yoders: Matt tried to come up with his own style made of
regular restaurant napkins, cotton balls and scotch tape.
Reporter#3: Joe, your recent trial has made you seem bitter
toward the legal system, has it not?
Joe: I now make it my business to follow only 3 of the
Constitutional amendments per day. Just yesterday I prevented some
black guy from voting.
Reporter#2: Tom. How's the knee?
Tom: It's healing nicely. I think I'll be ready to play
on Saturday. The band took me off the DL. And I'm glad my own brother
went to bat for me and got my contract extended an extra 10 days.
Reporter#4: Your fist single off Trigger Happy Pappy is, "Don't
Blame Me, it's Heredity." Is there a video?
Matt: There is no video for it. Videos are played out. We are
planning to release a smell instead.
Reporter#4: What kind of smell?
Matt: You'll know it when you smell it. Our next single, "I got
over Betty Sue by Getting Under Cindy Lou," will have a distinctive
taste.
Joe: We say, "Why ignore the other senses?" Let your whole
body be violated by Stupid Toothbrush.
Reporter#5: We have been told that the band isn't liked very
well by other rock groups. Why is that?
Tom: Well, we did have a following. We get invited up onstage
by bands that admire us, usually a young, up and coming band. At the
end of the song we smash their instruments. It helps eliminate
competition.
Reporter#12: Lately, you seem to want to target the elderly
audiences, why?
Joe: We just want them to remember that their last bit of
hearing now belongs to Stupid Toothbrush. We want to be the last thing
they hear. That's an impression that stays with you for your whole
life. Enjoyment is temporary. Resentment lasts.
Reporter#2: How do you feel about the NATO bombing of Yugoslavia
this past Spring?
Joe: It will elevate the parking crunch we had for our gigs in
Bulgaria.
Reporter#-4: Matt how has your playing changed on this album?
Matt: I played worse, but more on this album. I thank the band
for this freedom. Please, buy our tampons I have no more savings
left.
Reporter#27: Why are you in the tent for Bush 2000?
Tom: Sounded like a good idea.
And now, the fourth official installment of the Stupid
Toothbrush Millennium Top 10 Lists. These are the lists compiled by
the band so the fans can get a little insight into what the band is
all about.
10 New Songs off the Trigger Happy Pappy track list
10. I Got Over Betty Sue by Getting Under Cindy Lou
9. The TV Don't Like Me
8. Damn, There Goes my Dignity
7. Don't Blame me, it's Heredity
6. Uncommon Law Wife
5. Rehab's for Quitters
4. But the Kids Don't Look Like Me
3. Outhouse in Your Soul
2. I Love You Uncle Dad
1. You can't Evict me From a Buick
That's all for this month. Special thanks to Matt, who wrote
just about all of this issue and Danny who nearly wrote all of the
last. If you have an item for the newsletter, be sure and send it to
Joe at this e-mail address.
To keep up to date on the most recent Stupid Toothbrush
happenings, read the letters section in the next issue of "Swank"
magazine. _ Joe Donatelli, publisher
