Dear Stupid Toothbrush Fan,
As a member of the official Stupid Toothbrush Fan Club, you are
receiving your August/September copy of "Brushing Up", the official
band newsletter. We are proud to say this is our third on-line issue.
The publishers are billing this type of fan interaction as "the
closest you can get to Matt and Joe without developing a piercing,
burning sensation between your thighs." This newsletter contains
updates, concert plans and info on the band and its flunkies. Also
contained is a pair of millennium top 10 lists that the FBI calls "the
weirdest bit of anti-technology babble since the Unabomber manifesto."
If you are not interested in receiving this newsletter, contact Tommy
Donatelli at 423 Please Don't Brake My Kneecaps Sir Lane, Mayfield
Hts., Ohio 44124 ...
NEWS: The band's record label, "Labula", has re-mastered all 37
STB albums. The re-mastered releases will fulfill a court order by 41
states and 4 U.S. territories to package a sexual assault kit with
every reissued CD. Lead singer Joey D commented on the packaging in a
recent interview in Swank magazine, "We agree partially with the
ruling. We have been responsible for a lot of sexual activity. Any
sexual activity is a good sexual activity in my book. However, the
band feels it is a misguided effort. We are a sexual assault on the
ears rather than on the genitals. But we have been discovered to be
responsible for bladder infections. So the next album will come with
a coupon for free cranberry juice." ...
Drummer Tommy D stunned the crowd last week by showing up at
Lake County Ohio's Oktoberfest. He went to take in some hot weather
and blood sausage. Tom went virtually unrecognized until he argued
about the price of a pair of liederhosen, and then was recognized by
Oktoberfest security agents who escorted him out without the
liederhosen. He explained who he was and mentioned that STB headlined
their Kareoke/air band night two years ago. He was then given to a
waiting mob of angry Germans who had their way with him. Police were
on hand, but did not stop the beating and even joined in on some
occasions.
Stupid Toothbrush was responsible for a delayed riot in 1998,
even though they played in 1997. "We said, wait a second, last year's
band was terrible and we began turning over trucks and beating up
elderly people out of protest. Someone figured out they insulted us,"
said one party goer who didn't want to be identified. Sven Lang went
onto say, "That year they performed in crotchless liederhosen and Joe
kept shouting 'Who won the war!?!' provoking the crowd. We were
pleased, then a year later disgusted."
STB was banned forever from the premises of the Lake
County Fairgrounds. Manager Jeffrey Loog Yoders is protesting, "Lake
County Fairgrounds is a big moneymaker for us. We had to cancel our
summer tour last year because of the ban."
Tom is listed in critical conditions his odds of survival are 7
to 93. He would say, "I like those odds," if he could.
TOUR UPDATES AND NEW RELEASES: There's Stupid
Toothbrush! No wait there's Stupid Toothbrush! Confused? So are we.
The 3rd Annual Stupid Toothbrush look alike/sound alike
competition was held this year in Detroit, MI. And this year's grand
prize was to meet last year's winners. Stupid Toothbrush related
personnel were on hand to judge the contest this year. They included
such people as childhood neighbors, former barbers and various
government agency officials.
Lead guitarist Matthew Z was pleased at the results, "Joe, Tom,
and I entered again this year and we came in 9th. We are very pleased
with ourselves. We only had to start over four times and the judges
only took off a few points. Last year we were 16th. So we are
improving." ...
Stupid Toothbrush has launched their own recorded label, "Second
Hand." Under the auspices of manager/pr director/human wastebasket
Jeffrey Loog Yoders the band has signed three acts so far, Honkey
Cracker, which will open for Stupid Toothbrush at the next launching
of a space shuttle or commercial satellite, Sir Francis Higgumbothum,
and Thrift MC (He's keepin' it cheap).
Sir Francis Higgumbothum was discovered by Jeff himself.
"This stuffy wealthy guy comes into my office one day and says
he can rock with the best of them. He had me out to his mansion. He
was sitting there in one of those big leather chairs, the kind only
the wealthy can have, and there were six elderly butlers playing
guitars, drums and a harpsichord. He looked at me and said, 'Aren't I
good? Don't I rock?' I see a future for this guy, 'Rich Rock'." The
debut Sir Higgumbothum album due out in December is called "Blood,
Sweat and Cheeves."
TRIVIAL FACTS ABOUT A TRIVIAL BAND: Stupid Toothbrush still
packages every album with extra bulky Styrofoam and disposable
diapers. ...
STB'S CD's contain mercury, lead, red dye #5 and serin. Their
CD's should not be handled more than a few seconds at a time. Latex
gloves and goggles are recommended. Keep out of the reach of children
... for several reasons ...
Stupid Toothbrush is the reason the film industry added two more
Xes. ...
On Jan. 12, 1995, between the hours of 9 a.m. and 10 a.m., while
working on the double album "Sexual Intellectual/Swimmin' in Women"
Joe and Matt's combined alcohol level reached 14.3 on a studio
breathalyzer making the Guinness Book of World Records. However, an
asterisk is placed by the record noting that Matt's blood alcohol
level was only .02 ...
STB didn't appear on The Ten Commandments soundtrack citing
irreconcilable differences with the author. ...
Tom used to do grocery shopping for cult leader Jim Jones. Tom
remembers ... "He once asked me to get Tang for 2,000 people. The
store was out of Tang. I had to think fast, so I bought Kool-aid. He
was short $2. I threw in the extra $2." ...
Joe once told Swank magazine, "Music is like watching a music
video with your eyes closed." ...
In 1972 Stupid Toothbrush released its pro-US involvement in
Vietnam album along with promotional film entitles "No More Mr. Rice
Guy." Highly criticized and not well received in Washington, long time
supporters including political reactionaries begin distancing
themselves from the once revered "Rockers of the Right." The band
scrambled to become "Rockers of the Status Quo."
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: We at Brushing Up got a chance to interview
legendary STB roadie, Irving Headland at a recent concert at the
Brookfield High School Fighting Whales Prom. The theme "Humpback and
Sperm" was appropriate enough for the Swimmin' in Women album. It was
hard to get a word in with the man due to his busy schedule, amazing
inability to remember who he told which story to, and thick British
accent. But, our trained team cornered him, drugged him, and dragged him back to our
satellite BU offices in Spokane. (Such is the same ritual in trying to
get Joe or Matt in the same room together). Here's what we heard.
BU: Please state your name and business for the record.
IH: Huh, wha-, who... Where the Hell am I? I demand to know (thick British accent)!
BU: You are in Spokane, please state your name and business.
IH: My name is John Abrams and I sell hosiery (Central African accent).
BU: Oh yeah, what if I were to shake your hand like this. (After
going through the twenty minute handshake the two got up off the floor
and Irving had to re-lace his shoes while the interviewer put his
shirt back on forwards.)
IH: Well, now that I know you are legit, my name is Irving
Headland and I am lead roadie for Stupid Toothbrush.
BU: Do you have any interesting stories about the band that
never made it to the tabloids?
IH: I'd say about 90 percent of Joe and Matt's lives have been
printed in the tabloids, I just know details and minor stuff like
that.
BU: Such as...?
IH: Well I know that Joe likes to slip roophies in his own drink
and have women take advantage of him, then he files a lawsuit
against them and wins. It's how he supports his book burning habit.
BU: You mean to tell us that Joe is a book burner? That's
awful.
IH: Who the hell told you anything about a bloody book burning
habit? I said ... Book Learning Habitat. Yes, yes, it's something he
created for all his inner-city illegitimate children. He wants them to
be able to read. It's very nice of him, very nice.
BU: Oh, I see, well do you have any dirt on Matt, what's he been
up to in the Navy?
IH: Well, when he came back for the tour I noticed he was acting
differently. He'd try to tell me something that happened to him and
he'd get all excited and all I could hear were
the first four words of the sentence and then his mouth would get all
full of saliva and his smile would get bigger and he'd trail off into
a gibberish soliloquy. It's the first time I'd ever heard him do that.
That and he plays Jacks now.
BU: Jacks??
IH: You know, twosies, foursies. He loves it. He gets real
excited when he plays it. He usually plays right before the show so
that he can use the adrenaline to carry him through the concert.
BU: And Joe?
IH: Joe's a strange one. He usually listens to that song ...
you know... oh don't make me sing it! All right, Sugar Sugar doo doo
doo doo doo doo Oh honey honey doo doo.... you know.
BU: That is a bit strange ...
IH: That isn't' all of it. He changes the lyrics to 'Stupid Toothbrush doo doo doo doo doo doo'
and all the while he's doing jumping-jacks. Whenever I tell that to the ladies it
usually gets them a little hot under the covers hmh hmh hmh hmh rhowh rhowh sff sff hgug ghug...
BU: Okay, that's all the time we have for today. Thank you for
the interview.
IH:... ghtu ruff ruff ayuh ahuh hus. Yhess.
And now, the third official installment of the Stupid Toothbrush
Millennium Top 10 Lists. These are the lists compiled by the band so
the fans can get a little insight into what the band is all about. (If
you need a clue it's music that, as Matt likes to say "rocks.")
Top 10 Least Heard STB Songs. (The ultra-rare stuff)
10. "Das My Shoe" Remix feat. Fatboy Slim, Moby, Sonic Youth,
Jamiroquay, John Tesh, Muhatma Ghandi, the late/great Satchel Paige,
and the Vienna Boys choir
9. "Love on an Escalator"
8. "My Life Sucked, Can I Have Another?" featuring Frank Grimes and
Vanilla Ice
7. "Elevator to Hell" feat. Jimmy Page
6. "My Dong will go Long" From the Limited Edition Titanic Soundtrack
5. "Sue's on First" (the song that resulted in Matt's ass-whooping by Joe)
4. "Fair Hardy Boys Thine Intuition Grand"
3. "The I-Never-Saw-Myself-With-A-Girl-Like-You-,Wait-You-Are-A-Girl-Right?-Blues"
2. "My Vices, Midgets, and Widgets"
1. "Uncle Junk" - Live (feat 45 minute clapping solo, 15 minute guitar
smash, Joe lighting himself on fire and Matt putting him out with a fire extinguisher
coming from his crotch, and 4.5 hour sitar solo feat Ravi Shankar)
We're sorry, but this list _ compiled by drug dealer "keeper
awayer" Dan Donatelli _ was so good that we dare not add a second.
That's all for this month. To keep up to date Stupid Toothbrush
appearances, read your local police blotter. -- Joe Donatelli,
publisher
