Dear Stupid Toothbrush Fan,
As a member of the official Stupid Toothbrush Fan Club, you are
receiving your June/July copy of "Brushing Up", the official band
newsletter. We are proud to say this is our second on-line issue. The
publishers are billing this type of fan interaction the "closest you
can get to Stupid Toothbrush without prolonged exposure to radioactive ticks."
This newsletter contains updates, concert plans and info on the band and its flunkies.
Also contained is a pair of millennium top 10 lists that the Justice
Department calls "the most serious threat to our nation's security
since Milton Bradley began exporting the board game Risk to the
Soviets in 1974." If you are not interested in receiving this
newsletter, contact God at 1 Heaven Way, Meigs County, Ohio, 00420. If
you are interested, keep reading ...
NEWS: Lead guitarist/old lady porn aficionado Matt made news
last month when he was spotted in public by Diego Garcia Today at the
premier of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace wearing only a publicity
photo of Harrison Ford from the movie "Mosquito Coast." Said Matt,
"I'm protesting the lack of Han Solo in this movie." . . . Speaking of
Hand Solo, as he is known in the band, Joe attended the premier in
Washington with Harrison Ford, who wore only a publicity photo of Matt
from soft core porn cult favorite "Stupid Toothbrush and the
Indifferent Dog." Said Ford, "I'm protesting the lack of Matt Zorich
at this protest." . . . Tom, the band's drummer/pimp celebrated the
premier in Athens, Ohio by watching the movie 16 times in a 48-hour
period. An obviously confused and tired Tommy told The Athens Post,
"Me likem Ja Ja Binks. Me thinks I'm Ja Ja." . . . Band publicity
director Jeffrey Loog Yoders attended an advanced screening of the
movie and wrote a review for the Pittsburgh Tribune Review. He wrote,
"Pittsburghers will enjoy this movie in spite of the fact that
characters make frequent use of multi-syllable words . . . " . . .
Band lackey/drug dealer, uh, keeper awayer Brian Adams released his
highly anticipated manuscript "Tommy's Place" last month. It quickly
climbed to the top of the national bestseller list - in Poland. Wrote
the New York Times Book Review, "While the plot and characters were
the high quality we've come to expect from Brian, something was
missing, and after a second reading we figured out what it was:
Punctuation." . . . Brian's brother Kevin joined the band's official
fan club this month as community service for all those mimes he made
scream at the Hamilton County Fair last year. Welcome aboard Kevin.
... Joe's little brother, Danny, just released a rap hit single which
went straight to No. 27 on the suburban charts called "Me and my Moms
and a trunk full 'o nines."
TOUR UPDATES: Joe's May 18 Joe Ladies Night live in his shower
was a complete success. Ladies got in free, guys had to pay $3,000.
Joe enjoyed the company of three fun-loving thirty-somethings and
cleared $9,000 ... On June 29 Joe takes the MTV "Rock the Vote" Wagon
to an unsuspecting North
Korea ... Matt hosted a Muslims Night live at "The Gentleman's
Turban-less Dance Club" in scenic Diego Garcia on May 21 and was
damned to hell by the locals in three different religions, a new Matt
record ... On July 4 Matt celebrated his birth nation's independence
by reading his Vietnam era spoken word album "My Country Piss on Thee"
at the Diego Garcia Civic Auditorium in front of a military only crowd
of 3,000 ...
DID YOU KNOW: STB changed its name several times and has at
times gone by: Hungarian Post Office, Raggedy Ann and Jim, Calamity
Desktop, Mexican Junkhouse and Uncle Junk.
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: With Jeffrey Loog Yoders, STB Under
Assistant West Coast Promotion Man and Tour Manager. Born on a hog
farm in Pennsylvania in 1975 Jeff joined STB in the summer of `89 and
has since been a key player in the STB management. He was previously a
back-up singer with the Beach Boys (the one that got Dennis Wilson
involved with the Manson family) and the first manager for the Flying
Burrito Brothers. He claims to have added the flying part of their
act. Brushing Up caught up with him in Pittsburgh, Pa. where he'd
stopped at the Big Banana Fruit Stand on his nationwide book tour
to promote his first solo nonfiction work "Bad Things About Stupid
Toothbrush." Jeff, who wore his trademark leather pants and a
Jagermeister T-shirt to the interview, previously co-wrote former
Rolling Stone Mick Taylor's autobiography "I'm the Stupidest Fuckin'
Man in the World for leaving the World's Greatest Rock n' Roll Band."
BU: Jeff, you've found yourself at the center of much of the
controversy that surrounds STB over the years, what exactly is the job
of an under-assistant west coast promotion man?
JLY: It's like being a baby-sitter, a lion-tamer, a groupie
wrangler, a wastebasket and someone to vomit on all at the same time,
it gets pretty intense.
BU: Are you going to continue in that capacity when the band
returns from its unplanned hiatus (Joe is currently working on a solo
project in Washington, D.C. and Matt was last seen somewhere in the
Indian Ocean)?
JLY: Sure, if the guys are still speaking to me. In my new book
I uncovered a lot of things - especially about Matt and his Teddy bear
- and Joe with Matt's Teddy Bear that I don't think the guys wanted
made public. But I couldn't help it, it was great reading. I think
they'll come around and see things my way, even though Joe probably didn't
want anyone to know he still wets the band when he goes on tour.
BU: Speaking of tours, we at BU have heard some pretty wild
stories about STB tours over the years. Is it true that you ask the
best-looking women in the crowd to park the band's limo?
JY: Well, lots of stuff happens on tour. When the band's first
back-up singer, Holly, toured with us it was my job to decide which
guy in the band she'd sleep with that week. Of course, some of our
touring ideas didn't come off that well. Joe nearly lost an eye after
the '95 "Boys of Summer" Tour was over. We shouldn't have sold
official STB baseballs for so cheap. Especially when the band played
all country covers at their concerts that year.
BU: I know it's kind of a sore subject with you Jeff, but can
you talk a little bit about what happened at the Baltimont show?
JY: Yeah, it was a bad scene. It was an honest mistake, though.
I needed to get the word out about STB's Speedway show so I made the
fateful mistake of listening to the Grateful Dead's UAWCPM and hired
some Hell's Angels to go door to door and distribute STB literature
and a few extra leaflets from the kingdom of Jehovah that we got a few
bucks to put in with our promotions. Next thing ya know a bunch of
suburban housewives beat the poor guys to death with lead-tipped pool
cues! How was I to know?
BU: Well, Jeff, with all due respect housewives are known to be
particularly unpleasant to uninvited guests, especially during
dinnertime. What did you take away from that experience?
JY: Well, I'll certainly never trust housewives again. But I was
actually able to take some positives from that scene. It's not like
the time I tried to recreate a Beatles-esque sewer concert and
everybody ended up ruining their equipment, nearly electrocuting
themselves and smelling like number 2 for a week. For instance
when I went to this one guy, Marion Mutton's funeral after the
Baltimont incident I noticed there were more than 200 people there. It
then hit me that there must be hundreds of funerals like
this going on all across America every day. Less than a month after
that show ... er funeral we had Stupid Toothbrush tour dates posted at
every chapel and cemetery nationwide. We even cut a few deals with
some casket and urn makers and licensed the band's likenesses to
appear on the inside linings of coffins and ash containers. Hey! I
figured when you say goodbye to Grandma why not say hello to Stupid
Toothbrush?
BU: Lots of sources in the band say you created unorthodox
promotions that brought non-rock fans into the STB fold. Is that just
one expample?
JY: Well I am a big believer in TP (industry lingo for tragedy
promotions), I like to think I've always been ahead of the UAWCPM
game. If you remember correctly I was the first guy to sign an
exclusive licensing deal with an airline to distribute promo cds and
leaflets in the mechanisms that drop the gas masks on airplanes. All
these other jokers were saying, "why'd you sign away lifetime air
disaster rights to Valujet?" But they weren't laughing at me when
those planes started fallin' to the ground. Heh, heh, heh when they
were pullin' survivors out I wasn't hearing ambulance sirens, the only
sound I heard was KA-CHING, KA-CHING! Now all those wannabes want a
piece of the VJ pie. Too late suckers.
BU: What about record release parties announced over semiphore
and with Indian smoke signals?
JY: Yeah, sure you can do a webcast or a press conference if you
want to be like all those OTHER guys, besides those two sailors at the
last one immediately went off and bought Swimmin' in Women. Say? What
if we put tour dates on bullets? Lots of high school kids like Rock n'
Roll, right? It's
only a matter of time until somebody shoots up another one!
BU: Do you have any information about upcoming STB projects?
JY: We're in negotiations right now to release a live country
album from the "Boys of Summer" tour called "If You Know Suzie Like I
Knew Suzie then here is the name of a very good clinic." It's got
Joe's first stab at Rockabilly "I got over Peggy Sue by Gettin' Under
Betty Lou" on it. I'll also be signing STB memorabilia at farmer's
markets all over America on the book tour.
Here's a list of where we'll be June 29, Billings, Montana, Bo's
Dude Ranch Fashion Store. First 1200 fans get a free Bolo tie at that
one. Let's see July 1, Farmer Fran's in BFE, Louisiana; July 5, The
Peach Pit in Beverly Hills, Ca. Huh, I didn't know they grow peaches
out there. Who knew? August 14, Joe's Crab Shack, Nag's Head, NC; Aug.
29 Jim Jolley's Backyard, Cleveland, Ohio; and we wrap up November 4
with the Marion Popcorn Festival in lovely Marion, Ohio.
We left some space between the stops just in case we have to add
extra dates. As for STB shows we're still tentatively slated to start
the "I Got A Bad Itch Down Under" tour at the Sydney Opera House in
Austalia in December of 2000. I think tough actin' tinactin is going
to sponsor that tour as well as Jockey brand underwear.
BU: Thanks, Jeff.
And now, the second official installment of the Stupid
Toothbrush Millennium Top 10 Lists. These are the lists compiled by
the band so the fans can get a little insight into what the band is
all about. (If you need a clue it's beer and other kinds of beer.)
Top 10 bands that influences Stupid Toothbrush:
10. U2
9. Sean "Puffy" Combs
8. Radiohead
7. Jimmy Buffett
6. Rolling Stones
5. Sting
4. Paul Simon
3. Pat Dailey
2. Beattles
1. Art Garfunkel
Top 10 things you'll likely see backstage at an STB concert:
10. Drunk goats
9. Mike Smoose, a bucket of chicken wings and a Schlitz
8. Matt's "sea men"
7. A monkey wearing a fez hat smoking a cigar while riding a unicycle
6. David Crosby
5. Girls of the Big 10 models dumping jell-o by the bucket-load into a Mr. Turtle pool
4. One old priest, and one young priest
3. Joe's "16-year-old adopted Vietnamese daughter"
2. Jeffrey Loog Yoders conducting a press conference through sign language
1. Drunken goat groupies
That's all for this month. Take care.
