Dear Stupid Toothbrush Fan,

As a member of the Official Stupid Toothbrush Fan Club, you are receiving your June 2002 
copy of "Brushing Up", the official band newsletter. We are proud to say this is our 10th 
online issue. The publishers are billing this type of interaction as "part of the 30 hours 
public service the band owes to the good people of the state of Delaware, which STB will no 
longer refer to as 'New Jersey's wang.'"
This newsletter contains updates, concert plans and info on the band and its flunkies.



LETTERS!
This in from lead guitarist/overly-trusting husband Matt Zorich:

Dear Fans:

You never stalk me anymore. How come?  Am I suddenly undesirable since I'm married? Joe 
assured me that a wedding ring is an instant chick magnet. I haven't been stalked in some 
time and I would be absolutely flattered by the idea.

I'm sure you heard Donald Rumsfeld on "Meet the Press" last week answering a question 
pertaining to the band, "The slightest allusion to those certain individuals would be so 
detrimental to the morale of our troops that the War on Terrorism would be lost and we would
all be speaking Arabic by next week." We all know this is simply not the case and to show 
our show of support for US troops, Stupid Toothbrush will be part of an impromptu USO 
concert for some homeless veterans who live outside my place in LA. Needless to say, 
congressional funding for our next album will be less this year than in previous years.

We've been receiving a lot of letters about Irving Headland. I will miss Irving Headland. 
With him, everywhere we went became headland. If we ever find his body we have plans to boil
him down and mix his remains with Poweraide. If embalming fluids were to mix with the grain 
alcohol it would cause noxious fumes. Might as well drink him.

Talked to Joe last week and he sends his love to all of you. He attempted to convey his love
over the phone, but it was mostly inaudible and he dropped the phone few times. So accept a
letter from Joe with a little bit of love in it. As you probably have heard, he was 
receiving a lot of love while a detainee at "Camp Sex-Ray." There is no secret that I have 
been trying to get Joe incarcerated for the last three years. He has repeatedly attempted 
to put Stupid Toothbrush into the rock and roll immortality category by trying to have me 
killed.

In related news, I deeply appreciated all the Zoloft fans have been sending to me. Unfortunately, 
I ran out last month and now I'm really convinced that particles of my creative brain cells 
are having children and running around without my birth name attached to anything that cares.
The good news is that the voices in my head have started to harmonized and actually sound 
pretty.

I talked to Tommy last week about some new material for the next album. Tommy came up with 
this ingenious idea to remake Marvin Gaye's "What's Goin' On" and put all the proceeds into 
his account in the Cayman Islands with a phony name that sound like a charity but is really 
a front. He asked me not to tell anyone, but I can trust you, okay? Just don't tell anyone 
else.

Take care,
Matt
P.S. Really don't tell anyone or I won't tell you anything ever again.



JOE POLO! WE LOVE YOU
During a recent conversation Joe's hair stylist, Joe Polo asked why he never gets mentioned 
in the newsletter anymore. So here you go Joe!

The publisher would like all of STB's fans to know that Joe's loyalty is appreciated. Every 
day Joe D. awakes, looks over at the 8x12 photo of Joe Polo he keeps on his "Joe Polo shelf"
and nods, knowing it's going to be a good day. The he pops in a chew, drinks a 2-liter of 
Coke, grabs some Burger King and spends the rest of the day quoting Simpsons lines.

Joey Polo, we salute you!



CONTEST RESULTS!
We asked you to tell us about yourself. And maybe we shouldn't have. 
Your responses were so frightening that we turned them over to the district attorney's 
office and helped close half-a-dozen missing animal cases in and around the Greater 
Cleveland area. As for the winner ... let's say ... Tom. 

Congratulations Tom! Your submission helped solve the most cases.



Your Name: Tommy Campus

Location: Mayfield, OH My God why am I still here!

Occupation: Testicular Research Candidate

First time you saw STB: Opening for The Doors and Yardbirds at the Pontiac Silverdome in '70
 ... No wait they were opening the door of a Silver 1970 Pontiac Firebird

Where you saw them: five years ago selling old concert T-shirts in a mall parking lot

Your reaction: I bought 2 for $10.

Members of the band you have slept with: Joe, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, 
BA, Matt

Reasons why: Initiation into the Fan Club

Diseases contracted: At least I don't have gonorrhea

Undocumented, never-before-seen diseases contracted: When Matt wears spandex I break out 
into hives.

Favorite STB album: I'll Touch Yours if You Touch Mine

Favorite STB song: "I'm Naked and I'm Crying, so Please Stop Laughing."

Favorite STB concert: 1974 "It Hurts to Pee" Tour

Matt's role in the band is: The Boy You Love to Hate

Joe's role in the band is: The Lovable Loser

Moment the band "Jumped The Shark": When Matt and Joe fought on Fox's 
Celebrity Boxing as an under card to Lisa Marie Pressley boxing a deaf 
Monkey.

Odor you most commonly associate with STB: Boiling Hot Dogs.

The last time I went to jail to cover for one of Matt or Joe's many felonies was when: Matt 
said I could have sloppy seconds from the "sheep"ish woman he was with. The Feds busted me 
because Matt had gone to the convenient store to get more lamb skin condoms.

Matt and Joe's lasting contribution to the women's movement: Lillith 
Fair 1996, Joe and Matt cover multiple famous female artists, and as a finale put wigs on 
each other and make out in front of the thousands of fans. "Tom and BA were strangely 
aroused"

If I could meet Matt and Joe I would tell them: Like I tell them every time I meet them 
"This is a summons to appear in court, consider yourself served."



Your Name: Ayn Rand (AKA The Late Irving Headland AKA Dan)

Location: St. Petersburg, Russia

Occupation: full-time STB groupie, part time novelist

First time you saw STB: Upon first coming to your country

Where you saw them: Matt and Joe were waiting at Ellis Island informing "all the hot foreign
tail" where to "embrace" the "flagpole of freedom." There were two of them, and they were 
behind a broken down Buick LeSabre.

Your reaction: Truly this is a well-endowed country ... I must embrace many more freedom.

Members of the band you have slept with: I am Ayn Rand, champion of casting women as whores 
to all their intellectual superiors, I have slept with everyone in the band besides Joe.

Reasons why: I was foreign Russian bride, it was expected. They paid, also.

Diseases contracted: Individualism

Undocumented, never-before-seen diseases contracted: Well, I came here looking like a woman 
and after that encounter looked much like a linebacker for the rest of my life.

Favorite STB album: Socialjism and the Communist Monte Cristo Sandwich

Favorite STB song: "I can pee standing or sitting, depending on how drunk I am"

Favorite STB concert: Stokely Carmichael's funeral, great show, even better at running 
zig-zags while being fired at for breaking out their particularly tasteless song, "Whadda 
ya know, Jim Crow?"

Matt's role in the band is: Military Strong Man

Joe's role in the band is: disgusting parasite, though quite the charmer

Moment the band "Jumped The Shark": After record sales dwindled they went on a promotional 
tour Jumping Henry Winkler, and by jumping I mean the angry black man meaning.

Odor you most commonly associate with STB: Gasoline and Gold Bond foot powder

The last time I went to jail to cover for one of Matt or Joe's many felonies was when: I 
vow by my life and my love of it that I will never go to jail for another one of Joe's 
Sexual Misconduct charges, nor ask him to go to jail for mine.

Matt and Joe's lasting contribution to the women's movement: Women do not deserve a movement, 
as I have depicted in my novels, they deserve to be treated like a woman in a German Sheisse 
video as long as the man is intellectually superior.

If I could meet Matt and Joe I would tell them: All this drama is taking away my horny.



Your Name: Nicholas Anthony Delguyd

Location: Athens, Ohio

Occupation: Adult entertainer for women over 70

First time you saw STB: never

Your reaction: I hear they've got huge balls

Members of the band you have slept with: hopefully all of them by the end of my career

Reasons why: WHY NOT?

Diseases contracted: slight drip dick

Undocumented, never-before-seen diseases contracted: I have a boil on my penis that slightly
resembles TOM DONATELLI

Odor you most commonly associate with STB: stale beer and used anal beads

Matt and Joe's lasting contribution to the women's movement: not talking to the women

If I could meet Matt and Joe I would tell them: that I am madly in love with JOE, but not 
MATT he is ugly



Your Name: Matthew Zorich

Location: 22 degrees latitude, 54 degrees longitude

Occupation: Sailor

First time you saw STB: Closed circuit court room television.

Where you saw them: South Florida Appellate Municipal Court.

Your reaction: Stoic. As per attorney's instructions.

Members of the band you have slept with: Matthew Zorich

Reasons why: Wife said she wouldn't touch me after tour of Southern 
Africa.

Diseases contracted: Motion sickness, lockjaw, jail fever, the bends, acute depression, 
Dutch elm disease, atrophy, trench foot, lameness, fatty liver, chronic bed wetting, 
several food allergies.

Undocumented, never-before-seen diseases contracted: Booglaloo flu, deep funk, the fever, 
the hippy-hippy shakes, smash mouth, the jerk, the twist, buggin' out, whiggin' out, the 
shimmies, the vapors, the creepies, the crawlies, the kinks, blur, tender foot, 
gordon lightfoot, little feet, bad finger, bad brains, flaming lips, cold shoulder.

Favorite STB album: The Rhythm Method

Favorite STB song: She Looked Healthy

Favorite STB concert: Tibetan Enslavement Festival 1998.

Matt's role in the band is: Covert OPS specialist.

Joe's role in the band is: Being the meat in the sandwiches. 
Administering "lethal injections."

Moment the band "Jumped The Shark": 1. One-A-Day Stupid Toothbrush 
Vitamins. Influenced by the music and lives of Stupid Toothbrush. 2. Matt sells wife Stupid 
Toothbrush CD in Vatican City boosting the band to number one on all the Vatican music charts.

Odor you most commonly associate with STB: 1. Burning sulfur. 2. Mace

The last time I went to jail to cover for one of Matt or Joe's many felonies was when: 
I accidentally threw all of our illegitimate infant children out for recycling instead 
putting them in the dumpster. I took full blame and walked after two months.

Matt and Joe's lasting contribution to the women's movement: An everlasting reason to 
continue.


If I could meet Matt and Joe I would tell them: "Joe, since there are now two of me and 
only one of you...get out."



Your Name: The name the white slave master has given me is Brian Adams. 
I prefer 'Rex."

Location: computer.

Occupation: I've spent the last nine months looking for a job. Thanks for rubbing it in.

First time you saw STB: I was very drunk. So this would be sometime between 1983 and now.

Where you saw them: The Farmer's Daughter Motel just off the Sunset Strip in West Hollywood.

Your reaction: Are you sure straight men do this?

Members of the band you have slept with: That is for the courts to decide.

Reasons why: We are currently in a legal battle as to who is the mother of our child.

Diseases contracted: Acquired Immuno-Deficiency Syndrome, Fever for the flavor of a Pringle,
Jaundice.

Undocumented, never-before-seen diseases contracted: Itchy, itchy eyes; Purple-frosted genitals.

Favorite STB album: A Hard Joe's Night.

Favorite STB song: There are several. All The Pretty Whores-es; Lick Me, Slam Me, Suck Me; 
Booty and the Beast; I Got Over Betty Sue By Getting Under Cindy Lou.

Favorite STB concert: Altamounted, or the Junction Rooftop Concert.

Matt's role in the band is: the half-Jewish one, the funny one.

Joe's role in the band is: the non-half-Jewish one, the non-funny one.

Moment the band "Jumped The Shark": When Matt tried to convince the entire town of Athens, 
Ohio he was still cool by jumping his motorcycle over the shark tank. Then, when no one 
showed up, he instead went home and wrote a crappy album of substandard hits. The band 
hasn't recovered.

Odor you most commonly associate with STB: None. Ever since Joe smashed my face with a mike 
stand because he said there was a mosquito on me, all sense of smell, taste and seeing dead 
people have since vanished.

The last time I went to jail to cover for one of Matt or Joe's many felonies was when: I 
covered for Joe's incredulous talent of mispellling words like "falonies."

Matt and Joe's lasting contribution to the women's movement: Setting it back 86 years by 
pissing on the graves of Susan B. Anthony, Clara Barton and Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and by 
pissing on Hillary Clinton.

If I could meet Matt and Joe I would tell them: Are you sure straight men do this?



Your Name: Joe

Location: Washington

Occupation: Journalist, Rock Legend

First time you saw STB: The original members of the band were these two guys we went to high 
school with. Matt and I saw them play at the 9th grade talent show. Lots of talent. The kind
of guys who might go all the way. Afterwards I went up to them and said, "Man, you guys are
good. How do you do it?" Then Matt stick-punched them both and we took their stuff. 
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to those guys. Then I wonder where we left the van we 
locked them in. Then I stop and just have a good laugh to myself about the whole thing.

Your reaction: I'm still laughing, so we must not have done anything wrong.

Members of the band you have slept with: Matt. And Tom. And Brian. And 
Holly, but she didn't know about it. There's a video of the whole thing. It's quite popular.

Reasons why: I am attempting to sleep my way to the middle and hooking up with BA seemed 
like the fastest way to get there.

Diseases contracted: My belly-button gets real warm each time I urinate. My doctor says I 
should just start aiming for the toilet, but I don't trust doctors. Never have.

Undocumented, never-before-seen diseases contracted: Mobile third nipple. Makes every bath 
an adventure!

Favorite STB album: Our Vietnam-era pro-U.S. record "No More Mr. Rice Guy."

Favorite STB song: "She's 14, But It's All Right."

Favorite STB concert: Either Mayfield Comedy Night '94 or Lollapalooza 
'92.

Matt's role in the band is: Jerk. He doesn't do anything, then he tries to take all the 
credit for it. His only contribution to our porn-rock album "Wan-chick-a-wa-wa" was to 
occasionally hit the high-hat, but he even screwed that up. It's tsss ts ts tssss ts ts. 
Not tss tss tsssss ts ts.

Joe's role in the band is: Greatest singer/songwriter ever, no thanks to Matt.

Moment the band "Jumped The Shark": When Matt joined the Navy to get out of having to do 
press for our huge flop "Chubby Lovers, Midnight Snacks."

Odor you most commonly associate with STB: The air of defeat that clouds Matt's every 
endeavor. And pizza pockets.

The last time I went to jail to cover for one of Matt or Joe's many felonies was when: Matt 
switched the DNA results before the trial and we both turned out to be the father, which was
once thought to be scientifically impossible and now is only rated as highly improbable.

Matt and Joe's lasting contribution to the women's movement: So long as there is Stupid 
Toothbrush, the women's movement in all of its hot sexiness will have something to protest. 
We have united them in a way not seen since they got the damn vote.

If I could meet Matt and Joe I would tell them: Matt, I take back all the mean things I said
about you here. Please still be my friend.



Two more late additions to the BU contest!

Our lawyers made us include these because without such we would have no fan representation 
in the Carolinas or in the plains of Northern Illinois, areas that are traditionally the 
backbone of the band's county fair circuit.

Dear Editor,
At first I thought this contest was a joke. I didn't realize that STB actually had that 
many fans who could read or write. I've also just come back from a two-week "vacation" from 
my job after an unfortunate "spanking incident" involving a pair of 17-year old Mexican 
twins, a midget and Tommy Lasorda during the company picnic. Please accept my late entry.



Your Name: Smoose

Location: The FBI won't let me disclose that.

Occupation: Night watchman at the Friggin Aluminum Plant

First time you saw STB: Joey Silverstein's Bah Mitzvah

Where you saw them: Coshocton Baptist/Hebrew Center

Your reaction: Yoi!

Members of the band you have slept with: Tom, Tom, Tom and Joe when he was with Holly.

Reasons why: Boy Scout Merit Badge

Diseases Contracted: Clap, Jaundice, Shingles

Undocumented, never-before-seen diseases contracted: Ability to find Matt funny.

Favorite STB album: Inagadadaitchit

Favorite STB song: "Should it be that color?"

Favorite STB concert: Live at Denny's 1997

Matt's role in the band is: Dirty old man

Joe's role in the band is: Yellow Tell-a-tubby

Moment the band "Jumped The Shark": After the 1999 STB Spoken word Album: Letters to Penthouse

Odor you most commonly associate with STB: Stale Old-Milwaukee Lite

The last time I went to jail to cover for one of Matt or Joe's many felonies was when: 
October 97 after the Amish Barn dance Incident

Matt and Joe's lasting contribution to the women's movement: The STB diaphragm.

If I could meet Matt and Joe I would tell them: You complete me.



Sorry about the late contribution ya'll, you can use me as your topic of drunken laughter 
about the things I swear aren't true (unless you're on tour through West Virginia, then 
they possibly may be true, but probably not)

Your Name: Slimer

Location: Elon, NC, where southern girls conjugate for 9 months in attempt to land a husband

Occupation: student by day, foosball player by fall, explorer by night

First time you saw STB: Closing for Tim McGraw but couldn't go on because they were too busy
trying to get themselves out of jail from soliciting group sex from prostitutes dressed as 
policewomen

Where you saw them last: talking to Ralph Wiggum over penile enlargement tips

Your reaction: I informed them that Ralph burns things

Members of the band you have slept with: Sleep is such a vague word, with is even vaguer

Reasons why: they said nobody would find out, even God was sleeping at that moment in time

Diseases contracted: My dick can write HTML code

Undocumented, never-before-seen diseases contracted: I think the disease speaks for 


Favorite STB album: The Prostate Stimulation Session Vol. 1

Favorite STB song: "Girls dig it when you attempt anal"

Favorite STB concert: The personal one put on for me in the 2nd room on the >left at the 
Jackie Lane residence

Matt's role in the band is: He's kinda like what John Lennon was for the Rolling Stones

Joe's role in the band is: Man who tells the visitors that "we only provide an 'escort' for 
the night, anything that happens happens on the will of the buyer"

Moment the band "Jumped The Shark": When they were tripping and thought that the Ridgebury 
bridge was on fire, still undetermined: the shark

Odor you most commonly associate with STB: Hospital smell

The last time I went to jail to cover for one of Matt or Joe's many felonies was when: 
When they needed beer and asked me to buy it because their real licenses were taken as 
fakes

Matt and Joe's lasting contribution to the women's movement: Dixie Chicks dyke out festival IV

If I could meet Matt and Joe I would tell them: Just because a girl says no, it really means 
give me more Drum Solo



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