Dear Stupid Toothbrush Fan,

       As a member of the official Stupid Toothbrush Fan Club, you will
 receive via e-mail every month a copy of "Brushing Up", the official
 band newsletter. We are proud to say this is our first on-line issue.
 The publisher is billing this type of fan interaction the "closest you
 can get to Stupid Toothbrush without contracting chlamydia."  
       Each newsletter will contain updates, concert plans and info on
 the band and its flunkies. Also contained is a pair of millennium top
 10 lists that the Dept. of Commerce is already warning "may exacerbate
 Y2K hysteria."
       If you are not interested in receiving this newsletter, contact
 Bill Gates at 1 Microsoft Way, Redmond, Wash., 45978. If you are
 interested, keep reading ...

 
      
       News: The band is on an unplanned four-year hiatus as Matt is
 currently serving time in the U.S. Navy for that "glug-glug,
 smooch-smooch, click-click, you have the right to remain silent, what
 exactly were you planning to do with the sheep and four midgets
 anyway?" incident. Besides swabbing the rear admiral's poop deck every
 morning, he also tosses salads in the galley. He is stationed
 somewhere in the Indian Ocean. They won't tell him where, but he
 reports that "the injuns in this Ocean are like none I've ever seen."
 He has been invited to play in a local sitar band, but as he tells
 anyone who listens, he'd rather think about Stupid Toothbrush and play
 with himself ...

 
       Meanwhile Joe is working in Washington trying to pay off his
 student loans to the government. Unfortunately the loans are to the
 Chinese government and Joe just walks around his office stealing
 random stuff that he can mail to Beijing. This angered the Chinese
 because they wanted "secrets." So Joe reported back to the Chinese
 Embassy that his co-worker Nate, the guy who is always brushing donut
 sprinkles out of his beard, likes Jennifer the intern. Joe is
 currently being investigated by the Justice Dept. and will appear        
 before a Senate panel next week; Nate is REAL pissed ... 


       Jeff Yoders, the band's PR man, recently hooked the band up with
 an interview on BET. The piece, which will air on Monday, is entitled,
 "When Whitey is Whiter than White." ...       
       Tommy D., one of the band's only living drummers suffered a mild
 stroke this week. Doctors give him a 20/80 chance. Said Tommy, "I like
 those odds."
 
      
       Tour updates: On May 18 Joe is hosting a Ladies Night live in
 his shower at 8:30 p.m. Ladies get in free. Guys pay a $3,000 cover
 ... Matt is hosting a Muslims Night and will take shake his moneymaker
 at "The Gentleman's Turban-less Dance Club" in scenic Diego Garcia on
 May 21 ... Tommy is scheduled to undergo an appendectomy on May 27.
 The Ohio University Osteopathic Medicine Class of '99 is hosting the
 event at The Junction. The 100th guest to walk through the door after
 midnight makes the first incision. Says Tommy, "I like those odds." 

 
   
       Did you know: STB's latest album, Swimmin' in Women, just went
 tin ... Former groupie turned beach-bum turned Chicagoan Holly
 Simpson's tell-all book about the night the band put her in a
 "business associate's" trunk and used her as collateral until it paid
 off some "loans" is due to hit the racks in June. It's entitled, "Matt
 and Joe are Idiots" ... The band is collaborating on a country album
 designed to raise money for Tommy's mounting hospital bills. Says
 Tommy, "I don't like those odds."


            
       And now, the first official installment of the Stupid Toothbrush
 Millennium Top 10 Lists. These are the lists compiled by the band so
 the fans can get a little insight into what the band is all about. (If
 you need a clue it's porn and other kinds of porn.)
 
 Movies:
 1. The Empire Strikes Back
 2. Raiders of the Lost Ark
 3. Star Wars
 4. Dr. Stranglove or How I Stopped Worrying and Started to Love the Bomb
 5. This is Spinal Tap
 6. GoodFellas
 7. Airplane!
 8. The Great Escape
 9. Patton
 10. Field of Dreams

 Honorable mention: Kingpin, A Clockwork Orange, Indiana Jones and the
 Last Crusade, Three Amigos, The Gods Must be Crazy, Apocalypse Now,
 I'm Gonna git you Sucka!, Johnny Dangerously, Midway, Something About
 Mary, Caddychack, Animal House.
 

 Pornos:
 1. Suckubus
 2. Wet Dreams May Come
 3. Enema of the State
 4. Bravehard
 5. Hung 10
 6. John Hopkins School of Medicine Cadavers Uncensored!
 7. Touched by an Angel
 8. Public toilets, private pleasures
 9. Dr. Goldman or How I Stopped Worrying and Started to Love Cathedors
 10. Stupid Toothbrush and the Indifferent Dog

 Honorable mention: Forrest Gulp, Blast My Ass With Cum XIII, Matt
 Zorich's 8th grade Birthday Party, The St. Francis of Assisi 1987
 grade school production of Spartacus, National Geographic Presents
 Natives with Floppy Boobs.
 
      
       Hope you enjoyed your first issue of Brushing Up. Feel free to
 e-mail Joe with any questions. Just not on May 18. That's Ladies
 Night. Can't mix da e-mails wif da females, knowhadI'msayin? Aw
 shubba.